Haha, what a title considering I left y’all off talking about my brilliance. Which I know is true. But here is the challenge: living into my potential, without doubt or fear. A blue bird has laid a beautiful, magic egg in my nest. I know when I care for the egg, work for the hatch, that once it hatches, and grows, it’ll fly, and I’ll fly and grow in the process. But I have to do the work to keep it warm, and hatch it, and yet, I’m looking at the egg like, yeah, naw, it’s too big, or lopsided, or not the right color. I’m dreading the time it’ll take to get this egg to hatch, and then I’ll have to feed the baby bird, and then I’ll have to wait for it to fly. And if I’m being real, all of my excuses are just that, excuses. Ways of self-sabotage to not grow, not step into my full potential, with the opportunity being presented to me.
I sit back and think, maybe they’ve made a mistake. I’m looking around like “me?” trying to find someone else who may be a better fit, more ready, more prepared for the opportunity presented. I am asking myself, is this opportunity in alignment? And I know the answer is yes. This is an opportunity I have been preparing myself for, purging my soul to make room in my nest for what it requires of me. The requirement of my vulnerability, my ability to see, and interpret. The requirement of integrity and telling the truth in its raw glory. The requirement to expand, as my artistry and energy would need to reach high, and my wingspan would need to spread wider. My ability to fall into the opportunity and trust that there is safety and someone to catch me in my fall. And yet, I am full of doubts.
I hesitate to believe. I hesitate to walk in my brilliance and to be seen. If I’m practicing radical honesty, my doubts are probably rooted in fear. Fear of feeling the intense pain I know will present itself. Fear of the wounds, and of the dissonant noise the opportunity is likely to bring. Fear of the intimacy required of me. Fear of the trust fall. Fear and a lack of trust in my ability to navigate the windy moments where I’ll need someone to root me back down to earth.
And I know, dear reader, you are thinking “what in the hell kind of opportunity is this?” It’s one of those things where you don’t know why, but you know it’s one of those opportunities that could blow wide open the next stage of your journey. It’s a fork in the road. And for me, it’s the hardest challenge I have yet to accept as an artist.
How am I navigating the doubt, the fear, the lack of trust? I am doing the following:
Breath: I practice working hard to breathe deep, in four-count intervals, resetting my system, so that it knows we do not have to run anywhere. No need for a flight today.
Reminders: post-it sticky notes, vocally saying out loud, affirming what I know to be true. I have support. I have the tools to navigate my emotions. I have people to call. I have experience flying. I can be patient in this process.
Spirituality: Prayer, music, psalms, all working together to ground me to my divine maker. All reminding me to keep the faith as I navigate the uncertainty. Keeping the faith, not only in myself, but in the person entrusting me with the opportunity, and the universe bringing it all together now, after all these years.
I leave you with Psalms that have been my go-tos in grounding me and reminding me that even in doubt, even in fear, even in the hard work of embodying, processing, and excavating the pain that resides in the truth, there too can be healing and peace. I ask you to attempt to take the opportunity that brings about doubt. To stretch and grow and discover. And to lean into the Psalms, and your support, and your breath in the uncertainty of it all. Here’s to my magic egg and the growth the blue bird brings.
“The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?” -Psalm 27:1
“Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth. The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah.” -Psalm 46:10-11
“The Lord is thy keeper: the Lord is thy shade upon thy right hand. The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul.” Psalm 121: 4-6